If you have a spare moment, please

One of the things my husband says that drives me nuts, but is true(which drives me more nuts) is "say what you mean, because I'm going to do what you say". Having arguments or even conversations with people where you have phrased what you said in a way that causes the other person to fill in blanks has to be the worst thing you can do. Be as specific as you can, even if you lose track of a different thought(it'll come back eventually), that way you know what you're trying to say and you feel more confident in it, and the person you're conversing with knows what you're saying. There is no misinterpretation, because you have spelled it out so clearly a 2yo could understand what you're trying to say. Not to diminish anyone's intelligence, just so you can 100% know that they understand what you're talking about. I also try to be mindful of how many times we repeat ourselves. "You've/I've said the same thing three times now. You/I need to find a different way to say it because you/I feel as though the other isn't listening or understanding what was said, which is why it's getting repeated" Giving each other permission to say you're being a(whatever colorful word you wish to input). NOT that you ARE said colorful word, but that you are BEING the colorful word in that moment. It allows the person being called out to self asses, and actually see if they are just angry, or if they have indeed crossed that line from being angry to BEING the colorful word which lets them adjust their approach, and delivery of the information they wish to convey. Telling them that your brain freezes in confrontational situations, and that they need to give you a few minutes to process what they said and how to respond. When I was first married I actually had to leave the room, and tell my husband that I'm not walking out on the argument, but that I just need a minute to unfreeze my brain. I've been married for almost 13 years now. I no longer have to leave the room to unfreeze my brain. Having someone willing to let you process the argument in your own way is significantly helpful in being able to work through the brain freezes. Having the same person to argue with also helps as you learn their queues, and how to identify when they're over reacting, how they're likely to respond. These all make for an easy learning environment in an environment of chaotic arguing

I try to follow these "Fair Fighting Rules": •Before you begin, ask yourself why you feel upset. Are you truly angry because your partner left the mustard on the counter? Or are you upset because you feel like you're doing an uneven share of the housework, and this is just one more piece of evidence? Take time to think about your own feelings before starting an argument. •Discuss one issue at a time. "You shouldn't be spending so much money without talking to me" can quickly turn into "You don't care about our family". Now you need to resolve two problems instead of one. Plus, when an argument starts to get off topic, it can easily become about everything a person has ever done wrong. We've all done a lot wrong, so this can be especially cumbersome. •No degrading language. Discuss the issue, not the person. No put-downs, swearing, or name-calling. Degrading language is an attempt to express negative feelings while making sure your partner feels just as bad. This will just lead to more character attacks while the original issue is forgotten. •Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them. "I feel angry." "I feel hurt when you ignore my phone calls." "I feel scared when you yell." These are good ways to express how you feel. Starting with "I" is a good technique to help you take responsibility for your feelings (no, you can't say whatever you want as long as it starts with "I"). •Take turns talking. This can be tough, but be careful not to interrupt. If this rule is difficult to follow, try setting a timer allowing 1 minute for each person to speak without interruption. Don't spend your partner's minute thinking about what you want to say. Listen! •No stonewalling. Sometimes, the easiest way to respond to an argument is to retreat into your shell and refuse to speak. This refusal to communicate is called stonewalling. You might feel better temporarily, but the original issue will remain unresolved and your partner will feel more upset. If you absolutely cannot go on, tell your partner you need to take a time-out. Agree to resume the discussion later. •No yelling. Sometimes arguments are "won" by being the loudest, but the problem only gets worse. •Take a time-out if things get too heated. In a perfect world we would all follow these rules 100% of the time, but it just doesn't work like that. If an argument starts to become personal or heated, take a time-out. Agree on a time to come back and discuss the problem after everyone has cooled down. •Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding. There isn't always a perfect answer to an argument. Life is just too messy for that. Do your best to come to a compromise (this will mean some give and take from both sides). If you can't come to a compromise, merely understanding can help soothe negative feelings.

During arguments, I try to “pause” the yelling and constant back and forth. I create space for my partner and I to process our emotions then come back to it as straightforward and objective as possible. I use this structure when it’s something I’m upset about 1) this is what triggered me (the objective action or statement) 2) this is the impact of that trigger (how it made me feel, damage caused, etc) 3) next steps “moving forward, it would be better if…” But I also am empathetic so I try my best to listen (without interrupting which is hard asf), and keep their perspective in mind as it helps.

I have a similar experience with arguments. Between the forgetfulness and RSD I’m an absolute mess when it comes to conflict. My solution has been to write out my points and send them to my partner via text or email. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than nothing…

I am exploring adhd at.. my breaking point and I feel like that’s how my mind works a lot. When I’m at a breaking point I always find the correct answer that I’m looking for, and it kind of sucks sometimes. To be so last minute and to be blind until I can’t be anymore.