Anybody else?

I might know this feeling, except that I was told to have an episodic depression - who knows since when- but in a weird way when I feel this need to cry- when my throat feels tight, my eyes get heavy and I start to feel an inner panic- in terms of desperation that there is no other feeling inside of me that I would allow myself to feel- it just feels very relieving to give into this urge to break out into tears- although I genuinely disklike it! The sad feeling last up to 30 minutes, it may have been 45 or an hour in some cases- I don’t like to look into the mirror, knowing how unpretty I look crying- I just feel very ugly in these moments. And even when I feel „okay“ again, I feel totally wrought put for the rest of the day. And the feeling of tears that running down my cheeks, the sobbing feeling in the back of my nose and the heated up nose- I can often still feel it the next day when I wake up - although I already tears were a thing more than 12 hours ago. How can this be? And although I really dislike crying, I can’t do anything but feeling the urge to give in to that feeling, to the point where I even like pitying myself….which can actually be a bad thing for mental health, because by leaning into this feeling of sadness, you allow your inner self to let the fear doubts, frustration and desperation set free to reach for power. This is not what is helpful. I am very „good“ at engaging in negative self talk- I shouldn’t make myself smaller than I am but often feel as if I would be the problem..of course I know that it isn’t my fault- I just don’t know how to be less hard on myself …the FINCH app I found helps to some point to foster positive habits and engage in self care- it could help with crying a little less, because you know there are people who love you and care about you- and who might be able to help! Anyway, I am looking for a way to cry less often as well- last time was in the evening today, before that was Friday