ADHD and Mom Guilt

I have 2 daughters that I love more than life itself. My husband is an incredible father to my girls, but my word!? We both have mental health diagnosis. Mine a cake of childhood trauma and abandonment frosted with ADHD, Depression, and anxiety. My 4 year old is showing some clear behaviors at home that make me think that she is going to be getting an ADHD diagnosis as well. I try so hard to "gentle parent" her, but how in the world do I do that successfully while I get so over stimulated and overwhelmed being the default parent? My dear sweet husband is so emotionally inept that I deal with the melt downs and fits most of the time, and when it happens while I need a break the guilt of being a bad mom sets in. Any other moms deal with this? Tips? Heck, even just your experiences are welcome.

wittykitty

Yes! I am a step-parent to twin 3 year old girls and my partner has adult kids as well and has a demanding job so I am the “default parent” at our house too. One of the girls is definitely showing signs of ADHD and I see it, but have a really hard time regulating myself to support her.

QueenRegency

I have 2 daughters as well, both in elementary school, and a son who stays home with me until he starts school next year. My husband is also in that boat, and I find myself being the primary care giver to the children. Every morning is a struggle to get out of bed, make sure the girls have the right clothes on, their backpacks and stuff for school- some days they leave and I’ve forgotten to brush their hair or remind them to brush their teeth, or their shirt/pants has a stain. It’s exhausting and the guilt just piles up. As moms we feel like our children reflect our competence as a parent, and if the children don’t look perfect, then we are bad moms. I’ve read a lot of articles that specifically address this issue in moms who have ADHD and it’s such a common trait we all share. We put so much guilt and negativity on ourselves and how we are perceived. I think that the more women who find other moms living with the same insecurities and sharing their stories will help us to understand we aren’t alone, we aren’t bad parents, and although we may do things differently- our kids are going to be ok.

nameymcnamerson

I totally relate to the children are a reflection of their parents comment. I always had my kids dressed to the nines, haircuts impeccable, manicured nails, etc. I look back and see how much time I wasted on that futility and it makes me sick! I’ve since told them about my displaced motives which has been wonderful. They don’t seem too scathed by my prior behavior and they seem to understand what I explained to them which makes us closer in our relationship present day. I appreciate your post, thanks for writing it for us!

kirmesimKopf

I know that feeling 🫂🫂 It was a lot more easier when my son became a teenager and we could talk about it and he could understand why I sometime react or feel the way I do and that it has nothing to do with him. He now sometime makes joke like „tell me your mom has adhd without telling me“ when I’m searching for my phone or my key - for the 6th time this day or when I’m mad because of something stupid and small 😂 He allows me to „break out“ cause he knows that in that particular moment it’s not me, it’s the adhd brain and I always apologise afterwards so we can end what happens. your not alone with the guilt and this feelings and I hope you find a way to accept this feelings as a part of beeing an adhd mom 🫂🫂

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